Kidnapping Koma

I couldn't believe my ears.

"You want me to kidnap and interrogate Koma?" I asked Gyrobo. "But...but..."

"Why, yes my dear. You'll be perfect at it!" the robot said cheerfully. "After all, he's been gunning for you since day one. Wouldn't you say you have an axe to grind?"

"Hmmm, since you put it that way..."

"I knew you'd agree. Here, when you're done use this on him." Gyrobo handed me a small device.



"What will it do?" I asked, hoping my still wild electrical charges wouldn't fry the innards.

"Oh, you'll see." He laughed somewhat maniacally.

"Well, ok." I retreat to the inner rooms Gyrobo set aside and contemplate my next move. Obviously Koma is expecting us. It was nice of him to let us know where he's at. 2 hours south of Melbourne...unless it's a misdirective...

Wolverine storms in. "I can't believe that punk called me smelly."

I look him up and down. "I can't believe he called you little."

"So darlin'...want some help."

"Quite. Let me call the boys and we'll be on our way." Shatner and Kenobi have been hanging around me ever since I gave them those jobs when we were doing the Dagobah gig. I place a few quick calls on me cellphone and soon Kenobi materializes in front of me and Shatner beams in. "Ok,Kenobi...I need you to scout this out. Find Koma. He is really two hours south of Melbourne? Shatner...when Kenobi sends the word, I'll need you to either beam us there...or..."

"Beam...him...here..." Shatner grins evily.

"Exactly."

While we wait, I indulge a little.



Just a little.

A few happy hours later, Kenobi gives us the location.

"So, what...do...you want...us...to do..." Shatner asked.

I consider. "Kenobi, lure him outdoors...and then Billy-boy, you beam the cocky aussie here..."

"Yes, Your majesty," Kenobi said with a nod of his head, disappearing again. I never should have told him I was a princess.

Shatner rubbed his hands gleefully and began chattering into his communicator.

I tune mine into Kenobi's end and listen...



"Now!" Shatner shouted.

A stunned Koma was deposited infront of us.

I nod to Wolverine who knocks the Aussie upside the head and ties him into a chair. Too bad there wasn't more of a struggle, there's nothing quite like watching male muscles. But that's beside the point, isn't it? Bennet would accuse me of thinking like a man and give me a hard time about it.

Rising slowly to my feet, I toss the rest of my wine into Koma's face.

"You!" he cries, waking back up. "I should have known it would be you, you red-headed..."

I can hear the electricity crackling at my fingetips. Koma apparently brings it out in me. "Go ahead...call me a harridan...one more time..."

Koma reconsiders. "Uhm, red-headed amazon..."

"That's better." I move slowly, gracefully around the table. Reaching out my hands, I act like I'm going to caress his cheek.

"No!" He starts crying. "Please! The last time you touched me, I was out for hours."

"That would explain your sudden obsession with ducks," I reply remember how I had accidently knocked him unconscious. He was never right after that.

"Actually, I've always loved ducks," he said, still sobbing.

"Nevermind." I reign my power in. "Come now, Koma. Don't make this hard for any of us. Just tell us what we want to know, and we'll go easy on you"

"Like I believe your promises. I don't know anything about the beer consipracy. Nor do I know the combination code to the Australian fence."

"Or the secret ingredient to the beer, I would imagine."

"Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows it's kangaroo pee..."

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" I demand. I step closer to the silly purple man and get in his face. "Kangaroo pee doesn't explain the addictive quality, or the mind numbing side effect that allows the drinker to be hypnotized and seduced."

Koma doesn't answer and I realize where he's looking. I slap him hard. "Quit looking at my boobs!"

"But you put them right in my face!"

"That doesn't give you permission to stare!" I walk away. "Wolverine, beat some sense into him."

"With pleasure."



"Noooo!" Koma starts crying again. "Please, don't..."

"Then give me what I want!" I storm back to him. "Tell me the numbers, the ingredient...everything!"

"I...."

In a heart beat, I change tactic. "Koma, Koma, Koma..." I lean in close again. "Would you like to see them closer? What about touch them? Be with a real woman instead of those lame synthoids."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," mutters Wolverine.

"Give me a real woman and I will!" Koma nearly shouted. "You're no woman..."

I slap him again, this time releasing a touch of electricity. Just enough to put a glaze in his eyes.

"I've seen her in the bath," Wolverine admitted. "She's more woman than you'd ever be able to handle, bub."

"You weren't supposed to tell!" I hissed.

"7 - 4 - 4 - B..." Koma started to drool. "5."

I transmit the numbers to Gyrobo, hoping the silly purple man isn't just rambling.

"Hydroxy Solution #248, with a dash of NHY-987-O."

Well, not sure what to do with that but I'm sure it'll come in handy sometime.

"Go on Koma...what else..." I give him another small zap of electricity.

"I love ducks..."

"That's no secret...unless you mean..."

"I'm wearing pretty underwear..."

"I see."

I call Gyrobo. "What do you think?"

He laughs mechanically. "The code's legit, as are the ingredients. Good job, girl. Now use that button on him and leave him to me."

"Ok Boss," I reply. I snap my phone shut.

"I know now's not the time for a stupid question, but..." Wolverine scratched his ear. "Why do we need the combination to the fence? Why can't we just have your...Billy-boy beam him in and out?"

"Australia raised their Ionized Particle Shield when we beamed him out," Shatner answered from the corner, managing to string an entire sentence together. But it didn't last long. "Can't...beam...through."

"Good enough?" I asked Wolverine as I pulled out the device Gyrobo had given me.

"Yup."

Koma was still spouting information. "Cylons are coming...soon..."

"Thanks for the warning." I point my device at him and press the middle button.



"Whoa..." we all manage to say.

Our eyes clear and we wait for the little dots to disappear.

"Where's he go?" Wolverine asked.

The ropes around the chair are empty...we search the room frantically...

"Ow!" I exclaim as something bites my ankle. "Oh...here he is...

The Wolverine expirence.

So come up with an idea for advertisin' a mud planet eh? Koma's idea works just fine foe sissies. but ya need to be a little more diverse. My first idea was Super hero babes vs Super villain babes mud wrestlin' contests. We only had one bout before Superman showed up, and whined how it was exploitin', and should stop right now. Oh and the fact that Squirrel Girl was eaten by a giant snake and everyone actually listened to the flamin' boy scout... now all I got left fer that is Granny Goodness in a bikini...

And whatever this is.

No one wants to see that...well maybe the Discovery Channel.

So up came up with another idea advertsin' to rednecks. that went pretty well, Yea lot O' them became stuck in the swamps when they tried to go mud truckin' but that ain't my concern, they were warned, another odd thing I've never gotten is rednecks like to shoot zombies I don't get it but hey they're payin' their money.

At first I had a Witch Doctor create zombies for them to shoot, but well there was a dispute about money and he somehow ended up savagely clawed to death.

That was okay but I wanted more so when another member of the team created a mud based amusement park I pitched the Wolverine Experience.


Pretty much while the kiddies, are enjoyin' the park, and the ladies are soakin' in mud I take out the warriors, and the wimps who fancy themselves warriors out into the jungle. What they don't know is I film them, and sale the footage ( givin' a cut to Yoda.) As a type O' survival game show.

After I let them out into the swamps I unleash wild animals, alien warriors, and rabid Twilight fangirls onto the unsuspectin' tour goers. On the first tour, Someone yelled out ' Where's the exotic women? Twilight fangirls don't count!"

Well I left a bit out they are exotic, and women but they're also crazy red alien amazon warriors that can crush boulders between their fingers here's me first meeting one.


Only two didn't get crushed. or run away screamin' to their mommies. Bobba Fett who was annoyin' the me with his constant " Yeah Bobba blasts the synthiods How can Bobba escape the fangirls? He can't have plasma grenades on him? Oh yeah Bobba has plasma grenades!"

And this guy who reminds me O' someone.


Hmmm I know someone who keeps babbling' about yellow text boxes.... Deadpoool! Ya gotta be kiddin' me him again?

He glares at me " Okay bunky you're gonna pay for dropping a safe on me in the last challenge!" He shoots me a couple o times in the chest " I'm going to bag me a Canadian clawed wolverine Crikey!"

" Crocidile Hunter jokes Wilson? Really He's been dead how long now?" I growl popping my claws but Pool was grabbed up by the red warrior women. " We love You Ryan Reynolds!" They scream and drag him off to where ever they go when they ain't crushin' people.

" I'm not Ryan Reynolds this is just a disguise....aaaah! My ribs you crushed my ribs no don't kiss me aah! My face!"

I snicker as Bobba Fett walks up to me Bobba is awesome! he lived through he's the greatest warrior ever what did Bobba win?" At that moment he was attacked, and eaten by a giant snake. I hear he has a problem with being eaten by giant animals. Oh well I'd better get ready for the next tour.

Wolverine: Ransom demand.

The distraction went with outta hitch while everyone else was busy with me the bromance of the super villain set got Pitt. I stop pretendin' to be drunk (healin' factor keeps me from actually gettin' me drunk.) and wave for the cameras, and say "next performance is at eight try the veal!" And run outta the Hotel.

Next is gonna be the "fun" part. I have to get into Angelina's compound, and make the demands. Why would that be a problem ya ask? Well remember the movie Mr., and Mrs. Smith? Ain't far from the truth where Angelina's concerned.

Those kid's she's been adoptin' just a front for trainin' Hand ninjas. Brad Pitt's about as clueless as he looks though, doesn't know what's goin' on in his own backyard.

I use the teleporter I "borrowed" from Koma in the last challenge, and appear right in front of her house. I pop my claws and cut my way through fence, I try sneakin' in but somethin' tripped the Flamin' alarms. At that moment I smell circuit boards and.... banana cream pie?

It don't matter because I'm ambushed by the kids.

I try to negotiate with'em, and show them the error O' their ways... Okay that ain't true I went bezerker on 'em.

Right when I was gonna go for a kill my mind explodes with a shrill female british accent. “Don’t you do it Logan!"

“What the Flamin 'Psylocke? Why are ya in my head?"

No answer... gah women! Like I aibn't beeen havin' enough trouble with 'em. Fine I didn't kill the brats but I got more damage from not doin' so. I hope that telepathic witch is happy where ever she is. I did give them all the kids a paddlin' though.

I finally get to the house, when I hear police sirens in the distance I'll have to hurry this up, "Hey Wolvie am I on TEE VEE?" A voice yells behind me. Great just what I don't need Deadpool. " Angelina hired me to get her hubby back! Even if I have to shsikabob you to do it old buddy! What? Quiet yellow text bubbles I'm being all dramatic! “He started rantin' to the voices in his head.

Last time I fought this dork he dropped a piano on me. So I was ready, and willin;' to take him down But I didn't have much time.... then all of a sudden a safe fell on his head from outta the blue. I think Gyrobo may have somethin' to do with that. Too bad that won't kill him.

I tape the envelope with the ransom demand onto the safe, and run outta there before the police show up. On my motorcycle, I catch a look from Jolie,


Looks like she ain't too happy with it can't be the Ten Million... must be the other demand "The Boss" put in the letter.

Wolverine:Two birds one stone.

So we ended up takin' classes in Alaska, I think because Koma has an odd obsession with Sarah Palin, and he wants to be closer to her, Or at least that's what I took from the meetings anyway.

So now we're in Maverick University. I ended up goin' fer a degree in Polar bear wrestlin' unfortunatley it's the fake WWE kind tryin' to get a bear to sell moves is even harder than it sounds.

What can I say? Sittin' in a flamin' class all day is borin' as all get out. When I was college age, I was out fightin' in World War 1, or was that the Spanish Civil War? All these flamin' wars are running together now.

Yeah it sucks I wanna punch the teachers, but there is one good thing.

Yeah , and that uniform in cold weather just adds to the fun. Any way I’m called outta class right when my tag partner was bein' sat on by a polar bear... hope he's okay... he owes me $ 20.

Turns out I had to go to another meeting. Koma started said a bunch O' stuff about Palin then we all got our assignments. Koma recruited for our secret society, Ciera will get the sponsor ship, from the Faculty Advisor Gyrobo will create the history, and , me and the Henchman will destroy the other secret societies. Great. Me, and the cyborg.


“Look Furbag, here's the societies we have here, The Young Illuminati.





The Skull, and bones, and the order of the Furry."

"Wait what?" I ask.

"Furries you ought to relate since you are one, now the Furries, and the Young Illuminati are having a get together, they want to form an alliance against us. You can take them out there. I'll take on the Skull and Bones."

" Fine Bub." I growl. I think I'm gonna have fun with this one. First I take a group O' students that Koma already rejected, and lie makin' them think they'll be in if they do this suicide mission with me. Next I steal a bunch O' tech from Koma's dorm room.

Now for a little step I like to call "plausible denilibilty" Get someone else to publicy destroy the meeting leaving us scott free. The patsy is an ol' "friend" O' mine Vegeta.


I use a teleporter to take me to West City with the cannon fodder I mean students. Then I star off gettin’ him angry by climbin' his roof, and jammin' his television with some device, I allow only the Rick Roll Channel. What's Rick Rollin' ya ask? here's an infromative video.

After a lotta cussin' he ran outside to try, and train that's when I sicced the Meagan Fox Synthoid at him.

She ran up, and hugged him, and exploded all the rancid cheese I stuffed inside covered the saiyan. He was cursing at the sky in saiyanese, until all the students dressed up as furries started dancin' around him and pulled and pushed him closer to a much more powerful bomb.


This one was by bags, and bags o' cow manure that sprayed all over the alien the furries that weren't killed in the explosion die when Vegeta blasted them with those alien powers O' his. .

Me I was in my black, and grey X-force suit, hidin' in a group O' bushes. wearing some doohicky that made me invisible to Veg-Head's senses. I take out this souped up mega phone, and announce “You Vegeta have been targeted by us! The Young Illuminati, and the order of the Furries!"

“Why can't I sense you? Show yourself!" he demands.

“We’ll be waiting for you tonight, at the Main Hall of Maverick University in Alaska we'll be there at 7 sharp come, and confront us if you have the guts!"

" Oh I'll be there you freaks I will have my revenge for this insult" He shouts then flies off. I did think about seducin' his wife but maybe later, now I 'd better make sure that dumb monkey actually destroys the competition.


I teleport back to the school, and wait until seven the smell O' all that feces, and cheese hits me before I see him, and just as the other secret societies are sittn' down at the conference. I hear the words: “Big Bang Attack!" and the whole building goes up, heh no more furries or Illuminators. Like an ol' buddy O' mine from the US Army liked to say " I do so love it when a plan comes together."

Wolverine:Task1

I snarl at two O' my teammates. Captain " robot lover" Koma. And Henchy the one armed cyberboy. Ciera gets in between us. " Look Wolverine we can't be fighting amongst ourselves if we have a hope of winning."

I retract the claws. “You’re right Darlin' I bet I was put on this team to sabotage Koma, I do what I want to do." Yeah I watch a lotta reality shows it's either that or listen to Cyclops lecture me all day then start cryin' for no apparent reason. Putting me on with those two was obviously a cry for argument ratings.

The strange robot floats in, ya know the way it says weird thing kinda reminds me of Wade Wilson. “What did I miss anything groovy?"

I shrug slash off henchman's arm what? Vegeta shouldn't be the only one to have the fun O' doin' that and somehow or another Koma Got kicked in his little boys by Ciera.

Any way we finally decide I was gonna to go "recruit” the celebrity endorsements. Which back in my Team X days meant "kidnap, and brainwash."

Hmm but what do famous people lie? I need something to lure them to me. Well drugs they like those but I don't want to have to deal with those people I know some just don't like dealin' with 'em. I got it jail bait! And thanks to the weapon X program I got some my Clone/Daughter Laura.

Ciera balks at this plan. "You're going to send your daughter to lure in creepy celebrities? Why would you do that? What if she gets hurt?"

“Because she's a chip offa the ol Caknuckle head." She saw what I meant when some signer tried to pee on Laura well now he's singin' soprano.

The first celebrity that actually lured here without maiming was Charlie Sheen.

“I can't wait until that chick jumps out of the cake!" he slurs drunkenly too bad for him it was me that jumped outta the cake, well if there was a cake which there wasn't a cake there, I have no idea what he's talking about.


Hey no way I ain't into that!" He shouts

I grab him by his scrawny neck " Look Bub yer gonna endorse my lil' organization If not well..." Snikt! My claws pop out of the housings in my forearms.

“Yeah if you have the money I'll shill anything."

“You’ll do it for free, and like it bub!"

I tried the first brain washing method I knew, tyin' him to a chair, and I made him watch really bad movies Dragonball Evolution. The last Punisher movie, the 1980's Punisher movie, Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros usually that'd break any one's mind, or melt it into sludge, but I guess Sheen has built up a tolerance from bein' in bad movies.

I found the way to break him, by accident as I popped a beer open. "He begged, and pleaded for a taste But instead I let him drink Foster's. I don't care what people tell you that stuff ain't beer. It's probably part O' some plot by Koma to sell mind controlling kangaroo urine.

Finally I was able to break him to my will, like a Pavlovian dog he'll work do what I want for a treat in this case beer. Now he'll say mumbo jumbo that Victorious Secret feeds him, and better yet, he'll believe it if he doesn't well its back to drinkin' Foster's for him.

The problem is X-23 is a bit of an over achiever, she kept bringin' more Famous people, there's a room full O' people like Dennis Rodman, a wrestler or two , and so many others. Damn I'm gonna need a lot of Foster's