Fired You Are: The Decisioning

"So, to an end this task comes. A decision I must make," I said to Darth Horn-Rimmed as for the teams to gather in the hall we waited.

"Yes," he replied, "it's time."

I nod, "Who lives and who dies, I must decide."

"What? No!" he said, as out his nose his coffee came, "Just choose which team won the challenge! That's all!"

"So lame this contest is."

"You know, you didn't have to dress like me. It wasn't really necessary."

"Like you, I have dressed? Hmm, yes, the similarity I see, now. But for the Isaac Asimov look, I was going."

In to the hall, the two teams filed. Covered in mud and swamp grass, most of them were. A few days and some kerosene it will take to get that smell out their hair and skin.

"Well," I said to them, "like to congratulate each team on its performance, I would. Many tourists to Dagobah have come:"

"A fine time they appear to be having, hmm, yes.

"Crowded, my restaurant and bait shop have become. No longer rely on the export of alligator poop, the Dagobah economy must. Perhaps improve the parking situation we could, though. But risen to almost 15%, the Visitor Survival Rate on Dagobah has! Twice as good as last year that is! So, good news all around, there is.

"But, choose a winning team, I must. On your performance I must score you. Only one fair way to do this, there is. The Google algorithm I must use."

All at once, the crowd gasped.

His bald head, Professor X rubbed, "Do you mean the algorithm Google uses to rank web pages? That knowledge is forbidden!"

"What Google uses it for, that is? Stupid Intern, tell me that, why did you not?! Been using it to organize my CD collection, I have. Anyway, the nerdiness of my Stupid Intern, you have underestimated. A doofus he is, yes, but strong with him, the geek side is. As your strengths and weaknesses I list, into his laptop enter them he will. When done he is, revealed the winning team will be! So, begin with Victorious Secret I will.

"Captain Koma, a very good idea, your heath spa was, so a value of 57*3.4 I can assign to your team."

"Cool!" psyched, Koma was.

Over I looked at my Stupid Intern, furiously into his computer he typed.

"But," I continued, "divide that total I must by the square root of the number of innocent tourists caught in the crossfire when mowing down your synthoids you were."

More, my Stupid Intern typed.

Dejected, Koma looked. "Aw, man!"

"Ciera, though risky, hiring Kenobi is, glad I am that a job you gave him. Always over at my house, watching my cable and bringing his dirty laundry he is. But this week, too busy to do that he was. So, a value of 84.9*3 I can apply to your team's performance. But, stuck in my front yard, Mr. Griswald's Family Truckster got! So deduct the number of credits I had to pay my landscaper to fix the place, I must."

Very intensely, at his keyboard my Stupid Intern worked.

"Wolverine, good initiative you showed when 'The Wolverine Experience' you created. So a value of 27*6.9 I can add to your team's score. However, unforgivable it is that Granny Goodness in a bikini you inflicted on Dagobah! Scarier than your admantyem adamenti admanateeuhm sharp pointy things that come out of your hands, she is! Unable to go to sleep at nights I am, because everytime my eyes I close, that image I see! So deduct from your score I must 3.4*n where the hours of sleep I have lost, n represents."

With incredible focus in his eyes, at his laptop my Stupid Intern labored.

"Gyrobo, very well-written and entertaining your account of your experience was. Your posts I always enjoy. So a value of 33.7*5.239 I can add to your team's total. But, too bad it is that nothing to do with any of the specific tasks I gave you, the post had! So .87*w, where the number of words in your posts w represents, I must deduct from your team's score.

"Besides, a slogan did your team come up with? Required, that was. So another 99*2.8 I must deduct from your score."

On fire, my Stupid Intern's fingers were!

"To Team One, this brings me:

"Jon, very impressed and amused I was by your presentation and advertising campaign. A lot of effort into it you put. Very creative it was. So, a value of 89*23 I can apply to your team. But, the one rule I gave you people, you broke:

"No unicorns on Dagobah are there! Liable for this false advertising the Dagobah Tourism Council is. So deduct from your score I must 19*u, where the lawsuits brought by parents of disappointed 10-year-old girls, u represents."

"Nepharia, very well you organized your team, and a very catchy slogan you came up with. 47*34 I can add to your team's score. But, the neighborhood Senior Center your slash-and-burn program almost destroyed! Play Bingo and do line-dancing, now, where will I? So divide your team's score by how much I would have made on Bingo this Tuesday."

Feverishly, my Stupid Intern clicked his mouse.

"Professor Xavier, very entertaining, witty, and amusing, your account of your experiences in your travel agency was. Also, very effective was your travel agency. A value of 34*pi I can add to your team's score. But, Darth Cheney you unleashed on Dagobah. Several holes he shot into my landspeeder. He said that a squirrel, he thought it was. So, deduct from your team's score 4376.3952/.73x, where the repair bill of my speeder, x represents.

"To the end, that brings us. Stupid Intern," dramatically I said, "who the winner is, reveal now!"

Still engrossed in his computer, he was.

"Stupid Intern!" I yelled.

"Oh, huh? What?"

"Stupid Intern! Say what, does the Google thingy? The contest, which team won?"

"Oh, I dunno. The Justice League?"

"Doofus!" I smacked him. "Your computer show me!"

"Doofus!" I yelled again. With my cane, repeatedly I smacked his head.

"Ow! Ouch!" he whined. Like a little girl, he is.

"Uh, Master Yoda," Darth Horn-Rimmed interrupted, "if you could put your beating of your Stupid Intern on hold for a moment, we would really like you to DECIDE WHO WON THE CHALLENGE!"

"Hmph! Have to shout, you do not! OK, have to do this the old-fashioned way, I will." So my scientific calculator I brought out, but make all of the calculations on it, I could not. So, my slide rule I brought out, then my abacus.

"Why have you taken off your shoes, Master Yoda?" Darth Horn-Rimmed asked.

"Enough fingers to count on, I have not! Use my toes, I must! Let's see, where I was? Oh, yes. Times two, carry the one, you must..."

"Wolverine!" Darth Horn-Rimmed said, "Please stop humming the Jeopardy theme song while Master Yoda is adding the score. He is trying to concentrate."

"OK, an answer I have arrived at. The winner, Team One is!"

"Great, thank you, Master Yoda. Team Two, you are safe from the boardroom this time..."

"No, wait, hear me right you did not. Team One the winner is."

"Yes, that means Team Two won."

"No, Team One."

"Right, Team Two."

"No, the contest, Victorious Secret lost. So, the other team, the winner is."

"Exactly, Team Two."

"Darth Horn-Rimmed, at the right side of your blog, look."

"OK"

"The team logos do you see?"

"Yes."

"The logo that says 'Team One' on it, belong to which team, does it?"

"Team Two."

"Aaaagh! Two teams there are, yes?"

"Their names, what are they?"

"Victorious Secret and Team One."

"So, if lost, Victorious Secret has, won, which team has?"

"Team Two."

Up, I give!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Watch Out For That Tree!

“This soup is delicious,” I exclaimed. “I thought it would be just snake, but there’s something more in here. How’d you get this interesting flavor?”

“Oh tell, I never will,” Yoda giggled. Well, not really a giggle per se, but some kind of equivalent that his species would employ.

“Well it’s good, I never thought I’d like snake soup this much, but I do,” I said as I took one more slurp. “This place is crawling with big game hunters and your Snake House is as filled with as many people as you can fit in here (which I admit isn’t very much, but hey they’re here, right?). We’re doing a pretty brisk business here, if I do say so myself.”

Before Yoda could answer, I noticed something outside in the swamp. It seemed like some sort of old, twisted tree with a cave at the base of it. I thought it was interesting that I hadn’t seen it before, but it certainly caught my attention now. It was giving off this whole creepy vibe, like some sort of evil, dark force was emanating from it.

“Say, what’s that over there?” I asked. “There’s something not right here.”

“That place...is strong with the dark side of the Force,” Yoda answered. “A domain of evil it is. Stay away from it, you probably should.”

I quickly sprang up and clipped on my pistol belt. My blaster pistols Betsy and Winona were charged and ready to go. I started walking towards the cave.

“Your weapons…you will not need them.”

I checked the charge of the sonic disrupter on my Wristcomm. I then ran my fingers over the stunball grenades dangling from my web belt. They were set. I pulled my vibroknife out of its boot sheath, thumbed that, then slid it snuggly back into its place.

“I said your weapons…you will not need them!” Yoda called louder.

“Right,” I nodded in agreematude. I checked the survival knife that was strapped to my web belt as well, then verified that the pins on the frag grenades were securely in their place. With my Wristcomm, I called up my ship, the Danger Sled, armed the torpedoes and cannon, and prepped it for a strafing run. After that, I wiggled my back and felt my holdout pistol clinging to it, the back of its holster damp with sweat. Finally, I checked that the penlight laser in my shirt pocket was also charged.

I then double checked the throwing stars that were snuggly tucked into the strap inside my lower arm opposite my Wristcomm. The dart gun with the tranq darts was ready to go as well. I sighed as I thought about my double phase powertronic sniper rifle sitting in the weapon storage locker in the Danger Sled but there was no chance of getting it at this point. I would have to be content with the Nunchakus, short katana, and the three poison gas pellets that I had secreted away.

Yoda rolled his eyes in exasperation as I stepped into the cave in my trademark casually-nonchalant-but-extremely-cautious manner.

The cave was dark, foreboding, and one of the scariest places I have ever been. Way scarier than a roller coaster at Six Flags. My head buzzed like a crescendo on a tympani when I saw a dark figure step in front of me.

It was Darth Vader.


I’m serious, it was totally the Dark Lord of the Sith. Not some whiny teenager wannabe. He stalked towards me in some manner that made me wonder if this was reality or some weird vision.


I ignited my lightsaber, which interestingly enough I neglected to mention up until now.

We traded blows. Lightsaber against lightsaber.


Darth Vader brought his weapon back for a killing blow.


And then I totally chopped his head off! Hell yeah! Score one for the good guy, it was awesome!


Vader stood for but a moment until his lifeless form crumpled to the ground like some sort of cyborg marionette with its strings cut mercilessly.


I watched as Vader’s helmet rolled across the soft earth of the cave. It sat for just a moment there as I heard the tympani roll once again.


And then it exploded open, revealing the face inside. What could this possibly mean?

Starlite Express Travel Agency

I can't believe Koma's in charge...but Bennett said everybody needed a turn.

He assigns me the task up setting up the travel agency and then takes off to set up some sort of amusement park, all the while muttering about synthoids. The man is cracked I tell you. He didn't even tell me what our slogan was to be!

Setting up shop at a busy space station, where there is lots of traffic. I set to luring as many people to Daogobah as possible. Of course, I hire a gaggle to answer the phones:


And I even hire a couple of guys to go out on the street to lead people to us:




"Bill," I say, "I don't care what you have to do, kidnap people in a van if you have to...just...get...me...people!"

Happy to have work, he stutters and then takes off.

"Obi-Wan..."

"I'll just tell them that it's the will of the Force!" he said almost cheerfully. He disappeared from sight. Man, death sure has changed that guy.

While the girls are giggling, waiting for the phones to start ringing, I post the poster I made:



It's not the best, but it's simple and straightforward. Maybe if Koma had had a few moments to spare for me- no doubt he wants to ruin me...either that or my challenge to mud wrestle him scared him. Sometimes I come on too strong!

So we wait...and wait...Soon enough Bill pulls up in a van and drops off a bunch of people.

They have no problem taking vacations, but they don't want to go to Dagobah. "Too dark and slimy," they said.

"Slimy?! Yoda's home it is!!" I replied.

The first two groups didn't budge, they all wanted to go to Yavin or Endor. I've never seen what's so great about little Wookiees anyway. They are going to be pissed when they discover that the Starlite Shuttles I sent them on land on Dagobah...and even more pissed when they learn that the refund fee costs more than the actual ticket.

Finally a bedraggled family wanders in.



The father walks up to me and introduces himself. "Hi, I'm Clark Griswold. That's my family over there. We're on our family vacation, but the theme park we wanted to go to was closed. There's this creepy ghost out there that said you could help."

"Of course I can! Here at Starlite Express we charter cheap flights to some of the most exotic locales this galaxy can offer. This week's special is a trip to Dagobah."

"Dagobah? I've never heard of it."

"Wonderful!" I exclaim. "What an opportunity to discover one of the galaxy's diamonds! There's something for everyone. There's Koma's theme park for the kids, there's a lovely health spa for the missus, and for yourself sir - you have the choice of exploring the deep woods filled with adventure in the iscover The Wolverine Experience...or..." I lowered my voice just a little. "If you look hard enough, I'm sure you can find some mud wrestling."

"Well sign us up!" he says exuberantly.

He didn't even wait for the bit about Gyro's gryos or the hotdogs!

I send the happy family off.

No doubt he's thinking:



To bad he's gonna find:




And so...with a smile, I move on to the next group of people driven in...

Fired, You Are

Hmm, so, Darth Horn-Rimmed, those who would become your apprentice in the dark art of paper sales, these people are, hmm? With the job market so poor, less goofy-looking candidates you could find, I would think. Hmm, yes.

Anyway, asked to provide a task for you people I have been. At first, overjoyed at this prospect I was. But, then informed I was that just use you to paint my house and mow my lawn, I can not! So lame that is. In my opinion, a fine test of your business skills, washing and detailing my air speeder would be. But able to think outside of the box, this Primatech seems not to be. So, a more business-oriented task I have for you.

Appointed as head of the Dagobah Tourism Council, I have been. Want this job, I did not. That I was signing up for Tuesday night line dancing at the Senior Center, I thought. But the other sheet on the bulletin board that was. So stuck with the job now, I am. At least until trick another doofus into taking the job, I can.

Easy, I thought this job would be. But out it turns that to Dagobah, almost no tourists come! Puzzled by this I am. Want to spend their spring break at a planet that is 100% swamp land and is completely crawling with snakes, who would not? Sure, many ways a person can die on Dagobah, there are. But keep tourists from flocking to Planet Florida, that does not. Such a mystery. Hmm, yes.

Another reason, that more tourists, Dagobah needs. You see, trying to run a business out of my house, I have been:

But, few customers I have had. Yes, a nice retirement community on Dagobah, there is. But very tight with their money, old people are. If more tourists we have, more suckers potential customers I will have.

So, your task this is: design an effective advertising campaign to draw tourists to Dagobah. A few different parts this task has.

1. Come up with a catchy slogan. Better than our existing slogan, it must be - "Dagobah - more than half of the snakes aren't even poisonous!" [Required]

2. Design advertising materials such as brochures, bumper stickers, billboards, radio spots, or tv commercials. Again, better than our current efforts, this must be:

[Required this part of the task is, but what kinds of materials you design are optional.]

3. Run its own travel agency, each team will. Able to trick persuade several tourists to visit Dagobah on their next vacation, you must be. [Required]

4. Come up with and execute other ways to drum up tourism to Dagobah. Completely original with this part of the task you can be. [Optional]

Rules:

Only one rule there is. For legal reasons, lie in our advertising, the Dagobah Tourism Council can not. However, a law against telling the truth creatively, there is not! For instance, at the following examples look:

Not acceptable - "We guarantee your ship won't get permanently stuck in one of our bogs!"

Acceptable - "Once you come, you may never leave!"

Hee hee! See what I did there, do you? So clever, I am. Hee hee! So, anyway, clever like that you must be. Besides, to the Dark Side, lying leads. But only to the Beige Side, tricking people leads. Live with that, you can, I am sure.

Judging Criteria:

Judged on your creativity, humor, and effectiveness in manipulating unsuspecting tourists, your efforts will be. Maybe judge you based on your relative body odor, I will, too. On how many beers I have had when the time comes, that depends.