"So, to an end this task comes. A decision I must make," I said to Darth Horn-Rimmed as for the teams to gather in the hall we waited.
"Yes," he replied, "it's time."
I nod, "Who lives and who dies, I must decide."
"What? No!" he said, as out his nose his coffee came, "Just choose which team won the challenge! That's all!"
"So lame this contest is."
"You know, you didn't have to dress like me. It wasn't really necessary."
"Like you, I have dressed? Hmm, yes, the similarity I see, now. But for the Isaac Asimov look, I was going."
In to the hall, the two teams filed. Covered in mud and swamp grass, most of them were. A few days and some kerosene it will take to get that smell out their hair and skin.
"Well," I said to them, "like to congratulate each team on its performance, I would. Many tourists to Dagobah have come:"
"A fine time they appear to be having, hmm, yes.
"Crowded, my restaurant and bait shop have become. No longer rely on the export of alligator poop, the Dagobah economy must. Perhaps improve the parking situation we could, though. But risen to almost 15%, the Visitor Survival Rate on Dagobah has! Twice as good as last year that is! So, good news all around, there is.
"But, choose a winning team, I must. On your performance I must score you. Only one fair way to do this, there is. The Google algorithm I must use."
All at once, the crowd gasped.
His bald head, Professor X rubbed, "Do you mean the algorithm Google uses to rank web pages? That knowledge is forbidden!"
"What Google uses it for, that is? Stupid Intern, tell me that, why did you not?! Been using it to organize my CD collection, I have. Anyway, the nerdiness of my Stupid Intern, you have underestimated. A doofus he is, yes, but strong with him, the geek side is. As your strengths and weaknesses I list, into his laptop enter them he will. When done he is, revealed the winning team will be! So, begin with Victorious Secret I will.
"Captain Koma, a very good idea, your heath spa was, so a value of 57*3.4 I can assign to your team."
"Cool!" psyched, Koma was.
Over I looked at my Stupid Intern, furiously into his computer he typed.
"But," I continued, "divide that total I must by the square root of the number of innocent tourists caught in the crossfire when mowing down your synthoids you were."
More, my Stupid Intern typed.
Dejected, Koma looked. "Aw, man!"
"Ciera, though risky, hiring Kenobi is, glad I am that a job you gave him. Always over at my house, watching my cable and bringing his dirty laundry he is. But this week, too busy to do that he was. So, a value of 84.9*3 I can apply to your team's performance. But, stuck in my front yard, Mr. Griswald's Family Truckster got! So deduct the number of credits I had to pay my landscaper to fix the place, I must."
Very intensely, at his keyboard my Stupid Intern worked.
"Wolverine, good initiative you showed when 'The Wolverine Experience' you created. So a value of 27*6.9 I can add to your team's score. However, unforgivable it is that Granny Goodness in a bikini you inflicted on Dagobah! Scarier than your
admantyem adamenti admanateeuhm sharp pointy things that come out of your hands, she is! Unable to go to sleep at nights I am, because everytime my eyes I close, that image I see! So deduct from your score I must 3.4*n where the hours of sleep I have lost, n represents."
With incredible focus in his eyes, at his laptop my Stupid Intern labored.
"Gyrobo, very well-written and entertaining your account of your experience was. Your posts I always enjoy. So a value of 33.7*5.239 I can add to your team's total. But, too bad it is that nothing to do with any of the specific tasks I gave you, the post had! So .87*w, where the number of words in your posts w represents, I must deduct from your team's score.
"Besides, a slogan did your team come up with? Required, that was. So another 99*2.8 I must deduct from your score."
On fire, my Stupid Intern's fingers were!
"To Team One, this brings me:
"Jon, very impressed and amused I was by your presentation and advertising campaign. A lot of effort into it you put. Very creative it was. So, a value of 89*23 I can apply to your team. But, the one rule I gave you people, you broke:
"No unicorns on Dagobah are there! Liable for this false advertising the Dagobah Tourism Council is. So deduct from your score I must 19*u, where the lawsuits brought by parents of disappointed 10-year-old girls, u represents."
"Nepharia, very well you organized your team, and a very catchy slogan you came up with. 47*34 I can add to your team's score. But, the neighborhood Senior Center your slash-and-burn program almost destroyed! Play Bingo and do line-dancing, now, where will I? So divide your team's score by how much I would have made on Bingo this Tuesday."
Feverishly, my Stupid Intern clicked his mouse.
"Professor Xavier, very entertaining, witty, and amusing, your account of your experiences in your travel agency was. Also, very effective was your travel agency. A value of 34*pi I can add to your team's score. But, Darth Cheney you unleashed on Dagobah. Several holes he shot into my landspeeder. He said that a squirrel, he thought it was. So, deduct from your team's score 4376.3952/.73x, where the repair bill of my speeder, x represents.
"To the end, that brings us. Stupid Intern," dramatically I said, "who the winner is, reveal now!"
Still engrossed in his computer, he was.
"Stupid Intern!" I yelled.
"Oh, huh? What?"
"Stupid Intern! Say what, does the Google thingy? The contest, which team won?"
"Oh, I dunno. The Justice League?"
"Doofus!" I smacked him. "Your computer show me!"
"Doofus!" I yelled again. With my cane, repeatedly I smacked his head.
"Ow! Ouch!" he whined. Like a little girl, he is.
"Uh, Master Yoda," Darth Horn-Rimmed interrupted, "if you could put your beating of your Stupid Intern on hold for a moment, we would really like you to DECIDE WHO WON THE CHALLENGE!"
"Hmph! Have to shout, you do not! OK, have to do this the old-fashioned way, I will." So my scientific calculator I brought out, but make all of the calculations on it, I could not. So, my slide rule I brought out, then my abacus.
"Why have you taken off your shoes, Master Yoda?" Darth Horn-Rimmed asked.
"Enough fingers to count on, I have not! Use my toes, I must! Let's see, where I was? Oh, yes. Times two, carry the one, you must..."
"Wolverine!" Darth Horn-Rimmed said, "Please stop humming the Jeopardy theme song while Master Yoda is adding the score. He is trying to concentrate."
"OK, an answer I have arrived at. The winner, Team One is!"
"Great, thank you, Master Yoda. Team Two, you are safe from the boardroom this time..."
"No, wait, hear me right you did not. Team One the winner is."
"Yes, that means Team Two won."
"No, Team One."
"Right, Team Two."
"No, the contest, Victorious Secret lost. So, the other team, the winner is."
"Exactly, Team Two."
"Darth Horn-Rimmed, at the right side of your blog, look."
"The team logos do you see?"
"The logo that says 'Team One' on it, belong to which team, does it?"
"Aaaagh! Two teams there are, yes?"
"Their names, what are they?"
"Victorious Secret and Team One."
"So, if lost, Victorious Secret has, won, which team has?"
Up, I give!