Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Watch Out For That Tree!

“This soup is delicious,” I exclaimed. “I thought it would be just snake, but there’s something more in here. How’d you get this interesting flavor?”

“Oh tell, I never will,” Yoda giggled. Well, not really a giggle per se, but some kind of equivalent that his species would employ.

“Well it’s good, I never thought I’d like snake soup this much, but I do,” I said as I took one more slurp. “This place is crawling with big game hunters and your Snake House is as filled with as many people as you can fit in here (which I admit isn’t very much, but hey they’re here, right?). We’re doing a pretty brisk business here, if I do say so myself.”

Before Yoda could answer, I noticed something outside in the swamp. It seemed like some sort of old, twisted tree with a cave at the base of it. I thought it was interesting that I hadn’t seen it before, but it certainly caught my attention now. It was giving off this whole creepy vibe, like some sort of evil, dark force was emanating from it.

“Say, what’s that over there?” I asked. “There’s something not right here.”

“That place...is strong with the dark side of the Force,” Yoda answered. “A domain of evil it is. Stay away from it, you probably should.”

I quickly sprang up and clipped on my pistol belt. My blaster pistols Betsy and Winona were charged and ready to go. I started walking towards the cave.

“Your weapons…you will not need them.”

I checked the charge of the sonic disrupter on my Wristcomm. I then ran my fingers over the stunball grenades dangling from my web belt. They were set. I pulled my vibroknife out of its boot sheath, thumbed that, then slid it snuggly back into its place.

“I said your weapons…you will not need them!” Yoda called louder.

“Right,” I nodded in agreematude. I checked the survival knife that was strapped to my web belt as well, then verified that the pins on the frag grenades were securely in their place. With my Wristcomm, I called up my ship, the Danger Sled, armed the torpedoes and cannon, and prepped it for a strafing run. After that, I wiggled my back and felt my holdout pistol clinging to it, the back of its holster damp with sweat. Finally, I checked that the penlight laser in my shirt pocket was also charged.

I then double checked the throwing stars that were snuggly tucked into the strap inside my lower arm opposite my Wristcomm. The dart gun with the tranq darts was ready to go as well. I sighed as I thought about my double phase powertronic sniper rifle sitting in the weapon storage locker in the Danger Sled but there was no chance of getting it at this point. I would have to be content with the Nunchakus, short katana, and the three poison gas pellets that I had secreted away.

Yoda rolled his eyes in exasperation as I stepped into the cave in my trademark casually-nonchalant-but-extremely-cautious manner.

The cave was dark, foreboding, and one of the scariest places I have ever been. Way scarier than a roller coaster at Six Flags. My head buzzed like a crescendo on a tympani when I saw a dark figure step in front of me.

It was Darth Vader.


I’m serious, it was totally the Dark Lord of the Sith. Not some whiny teenager wannabe. He stalked towards me in some manner that made me wonder if this was reality or some weird vision.


I ignited my lightsaber, which interestingly enough I neglected to mention up until now.

We traded blows. Lightsaber against lightsaber.


Darth Vader brought his weapon back for a killing blow.


And then I totally chopped his head off! Hell yeah! Score one for the good guy, it was awesome!


Vader stood for but a moment until his lifeless form crumpled to the ground like some sort of cyborg marionette with its strings cut mercilessly.


I watched as Vader’s helmet rolled across the soft earth of the cave. It sat for just a moment there as I heard the tympani roll once again.


And then it exploded open, revealing the face inside. What could this possibly mean?