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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Mad Men and Women of Team One

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled. “Now that the introductions are out of the way, I would like to show you a little presentation on the campaign that we’ve been working on. Before we begin, would you like some refreshments? We have some delicious sandwiches made with toasted pumpernickel.”

“Those sandwiches I cannot eat,” he replied. “Dark toast intolerant I am.”

“Of course of course,” I replied. “Then how about some lizard skin wontons?”

“Not good for me all that cholesterol is,” he shook his head.

“Then perhaps some fruit,” I offered. “I believe we have some mixed fruit right here.”

Yoda waved his hand “Too much fresh fruit, I cannot take.”

“Then perhaps I should just get on with the presentation.”

“Nice that would be.”

“Here it is, four words, one which is used three times: Experience Adventure, Experience Excitement, Experience Dagobah.”

Yoda was silent for a moment. Then a moment more.

“Adventure? Excitement? A vacationer craves these things?” Yoda asked after a third moment.

“Yes they do!” my eyes lit up. “We’re talking about extreme vacations, surrounded by thousands of acres of untamed natural wild lands. Bush piloting through the swamps, hunting ravenous creatures, fishing for giant water beasts, giant swamp beasts, giant bog beasts, you name it.”

“An interesting idea this is,” Yoda conceded.

“Now as for your restaurant,” I continued. “We’re going in a slightly different direction with that, we want these vacationers to dine there, but we don’t necessarily want to make it part of the ‘extreme’ experience.”

“I see,” Yoda said. “Er, see I.”

“Right, so we’re using a few different methods to get the word out for that,” I explained. “We’ll have fortune cookies.”

“Fortune cookies I like,” Yoda nodded.

“And we’re not scared to try a little viral marketing as well,” I added.

Yoda nodded.

“Er, you’ll have to forgive us on that one,” I smiled weakly. “These are high school kids, you know.”

“Perhaps lose Dooku to the Dark Side I would not,” Yoda sighed. “If drop out of high school he did not.”

“We’ve got our troops excited over the idea of going to Dagobah. Ooops, and uh never mind about this next slide. I don’t know how it got in there.”

“Hmmm,” Yoda scratched his chin.

“And of course, no trip to Dagobah would be complete without souvenir bumper stickers,” I said. “It will be like the Wall Drug of a galaxy far, far away.”

“Nice this is,” Yoda smiled. “Many good ideas you show me, but complete your campaign is not.”

“Of course not,” I assured him. “We’re lining up celebrity endorsements even as we speak.”

“Speak we even as?” Yoda repeated.

“Yes,” I nodded excitedly. “Dave’s in, G.I.Joe jungle expert Recondo is in, Kraven the Hunter is dying to come to Dagobah, well not literally. I admit they’re not the biggest names in--”

“Size matters not.”

“You’re right, Master Yoda. In addition, we have Taarna, last of the Taarakians signed on.” I pointed to her picture in the presentation.

“A fetching creature she is,” Yoda smiled. “If a hundred years younger were I and a hundred years older was she…”

“And that’s not all. We still have a few more ideas up our sleeve.” I tugged on the cuffs of my shirt as a visual cue to what I was saying, like a magic act. All the good magicians do that, like that guy who does birthday parties. What’s his name? The great Flukini or something?

“Meditate on your campaign I must.” Yoda scooted off the chair and worked his way towards the door. “But looking forward to your next part I am.”


  1. Very amused by this, I was!

    For your magic trick I was waiting, when your cuffs you pulled. Play with my mind like that, do not!

  2. You want a magic trick? I'm happy to oblige you, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.


    Don't know my own strength!

  3. Ah, Jonwinkle, that trick never works!

  4. I'm off the do a little rain forest slash and burn to get my poppy farm started....