"Koma, like, ate the penguin, and, like, Wolverine blew up stuff, and, like, Ciera had a hot love affair with Mace Window, and, like, Henchman killed everyone," Claire said, barely pausing for breaths.
Before I could interrupt, she continued her report, "but, like, Gyrobo was, like, so wonderful! He told, like, the most beautifulest love story in, like, forever! I so totally cried, I'm not even kidding!"
I nodded and looked over at The Haitian. "How did Team One do?"
"This week, Mr. Muggles was El Jefe. He delegated out the work and made a bald joke, which I do not approve of."
"What was it?" I asked.
It was difficult for him to muster the reply, "Mr. Clean."
The Professor looked down as if emotionally hurt, obviously milking sympathy from us.
"I see. Go on," I replied.
"Nepharia inspired some mutant nerds and bikini waxed Cyclops. Charles picked Carrot Top as the faculty advisor, for reasons I'll never understand. And Jon, though late, gave an educational speech to the new recruits on the history of....well, there wasn't a name."
I looked over the two teams. The disappointment must have been apparent.
"Well, let's see," I started, "neither team really knocked it out of the park, I gotta say. So, this is sort of like the 2004 presidential elections all over again. One side's more qualified, smarter, but unimaginative and long-winded. The other was far more entertaining, but a bit on the idiot side."
The teams looked at each other, trying to discern which was which.
I continued, "So, let's see. I'm going to judge this based on the six requirements."
I gave him a look of concern. Once I was sure he wasn't having a mental breakdown, I listed the requirements for Task Two. "Choose a college, start a secret society, develop a history for it, sign on a faculty advisor, initiate five pledges, and optionally destroy any competition."
"First," I announced, "choose a college. The term 'Continental United States' excludes Hawaii in Alaska, but includes the District of Columbia. I'm sure it's a confusing term, since literally it should in fact include Alaska, but this is just something you should know, like nine times nine is eighty-one. There is no logic behind it; it just is. I imagine this was Koma's fault, being that he's Australian and doesn't know our illogical ways, but the other teammates could have corrected him. Point goes to Team One."
Mr. Muggles barked enthusiastically.
"And you guys picked a good school. You had an advantage with having the headmaster on your side." The next point was for starting a secret society. "Nepharia, you did a great job recruiting the nerds of the school. Nerds may be weak and useless now, but when they grow up, they rule the world. Plus, the boy that turns into a basketball is just hilarious. Flash Boom AHHH had an interesting name, but other than that, was fairly generic. Point for Team One."
Mr. Muggles barked more enthusiastically. The Professor seemed oddly confused by the way this was progressing.
"Develop a history," I went on. "Clearly, Gyrobo won this. There's no debating it. Jon's speech was nice, and it was smart to drop the names of dead celebrities who couldn't refute your claim. But Gyrobo, you gave the society real mythology, fascinating lore and the gentle song of the baleful hippopotamus. Point easily goes to Victorious Secret."
Mr. Muggles winced.
"Faculty advisor..." I looked at Charles. "Carrot Top? Really?" Then, I looked at Ciera, "Good choice of Faculty Advisor. This show needs more Jedi, no offense to Nepharia. And the backdrop of John McClane and his grandpa battling it out was entertaining. Point to you."
Mr. Muggles growled, as did Jon's cast-iron stomach.
"Next, initiating five pledges. Well, Koma ate one. Were any initiated? I don't know. And Team One had some interesting recruits, an inaudible pledge, and Nepharia put them through a tough test of will. Point....to Team One."
Mr. Muggles did a little doggy somersault.
"And finally, competition. Well, Victorious Secret rampaged all of Maverick University, it seems. Wolverine: Efficient. Sexy. Explosive. All the things needed in a secret society. Henchman was a little late, and I don't think that was actually Skull & Bones. First, they're too powerful for a low-level henchman to finish off. Second, they're at Yale. Third, that was Gatorade in those kegs for the Mathletes pre-competition party. But Team One didn't do anything about competition. From what I hear, there's an entire secret organization called "X-Men" at that school they could have neutralized. The bikini wax was perhaps a nice effort in that direction, but otherwise nothing was attempted. So, the point goes to Victorious Secret."
Mr. Muggles played dead.
"Great. A tie. Hmm....that means you both lose."
Wolverine shot out his claws in anger.
"Have your El Jefe and The Boss each pick one other person most responsible for your loss. The four of you will join me in the boardroom where somebody will be fired."