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Friday, July 17, 2009

Xavier's Faculties Need Advising

I watched as Mr. Muggles, the yellowish rat, clicked the pad on the laptop with his paw. The slide on the screen behind him changed to show my face. For some reason there was a handle-bar mustache scribbled above my upper lip. The rat clicked again and the words "Faculty Advisor" appeared next to my head.

"You're saying you want me to be the faculty advisor for the secret society? I asked him. "I can do that, I suppose."

The rat yelped loudly. I could hear his thoughts clearly. "No! You have to find a faculty advisor!"

"Well why can't I be the advisor?" I asked. "It is my school after all. I am the headmaster."

"You can't because I'm the El Jiffy and I said so!"

Hmmf. Talk about a small amount of power going to a very small head.

"Fine," I said. At least this task was going to be at my school. I'll be able to sleep in my own bed. Use my own bathroom. You can't imagine what it does to one's digestion to have to share communal facilities with Captain Koma. Let's just say the Aussie is a little gassy.

Best of all about being back at the school, I'll be able to drink my own cognac. It's almost embarrassing how easily it was to alter Muggles' mind to make him choose my school. I just hope the X-Men haven't blown up the mansion again.

Fortunately when I arrived the building was still standing. I hadn't been back in my own office for more than two minutes when there was a furious knock. Cyclops came barging in.

"Professor! You're back!" he shouted in the high-pitched tone he gets when he's excited. "Why didn't you tell me you were back?? You won't believe how crazy it's been around here! First Gambit stole all my underwear and-"

"Scott!" I interrupted. "I do not have time for this right now. I have to select a faculty advisor for . . a little experiment I'm conducting with some new students."

"Faculty advisor? Faculty advisor! Ooh, let me do it!"

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't suppress a laugh. "You? Heh. I don't think so, Scott. You have a tendency to assume the fetal position when faced with a minor challenge. No, I was thinking perhaps of asking Hank. He's the responsible type."

"Hank? But . . but . . he's the Beast! Kid's are afraid of him!"

That is true. Many of the younger students in the grade school curriculum have had nightmares after seeing him.

"Perhaps Storm then?"

"Storm?? But . . but . . she's a radical! And she's off at the UN protesting men! She wants them banned!"

Scott actually made some good points. Could he actually be a suitable advisor? Right after I had that thought I burst out laughing. Scott looked at me strangely.

"Come on, Professor!" he whined, falling to his knees and clasping his hands. "Let me do it! I'll be good! Please, please, please!"

"Scoot, Scott. You're distracting me. Get out."

As Cyclops left I flipped open my Rolodex. Obviously I was going to have to look outside the school. Perhaps a celebrity, someone the children might respect. Let's see, who have I meet . . no . . no . . no . . Carrot Top? When I was on that talk show with him, he seemed energetic enough to keep up with the children.

"Professor X!" he shouted into the phone when I reached him. "I'm glad you called! I have this new joke I want to try out. See . . it's a Hooter's job application. What do you think?"

"You do realize that I'm talking to you on the phone and can't see what you're holding up?"

"Oh, uh, right. Well . . it's a card board rectangle, see? And it has 'Hooter's Job Application written on it, see? And there are two large holes cut out below. Job applicants are told to fill this out. Get it?"

" . . . sure. Listen, Carrot, if you're not too busy with the joke thing, I have a position that just opened up on the faculty of my school."

"Oh . . uh . . . I'm not really allowed around children," he said.

"What? Why not?"

"Um, well, it's kind of a long story."

"I don't have time for long stories," I told him. "Come up here and you can wear a disguise. No one will know."

"Well . . okay," he said before hanging up.

And with that taken care of, it's time for the cognac.


  1. okay there's something I didn't get in this post. Who's Carrot Top?

    Look I can't help the gas I'm lactose intollerant and they keep serving everything with cream or milk.

  2. Perhaps Koma should try lactase vitamins. We give them to people in my village as a cure for influenza. They die.

  3. Listen, after what I just went through, I'm going to NEED some of that cognac....

  4. I don't have any cognac, but I got some Bailey's duty free. Want some?