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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tourism in the Outer Rim

El Jefe.

It was a position for which I was destined. I'm also the only member of the team that hasn't yet been E.J. But at least I'm sober, which is one up from Jon's condition when he was in charge.

"So Dagobah it is." I said. "That place is a hell hole." I commented shaking my head, throwing the file on the table.

"Yoda must be off his rocker," Jon commented.

"Well, we always knew that though," Xavier added.

I picked up the file once again. Thumbing through it, I started mumbling: "Let's see, what line items we must accomplish on this challenge:

  • Come up with a catchy slogan;

  • Come up with advertising campaign materials;

  • While running our own travel agency, convince travelers to visit Dagobah; and

  • If possible, initiate other methods of driving more tourism to the planet."

I stood for a moment, just thinking a bit.

"I wonder if scheduling it for demolition and inviting the rest of the galaxy to watch would work?" I said outloud. "We could sell tickets -- that might bring in enough money to satisfy Yoda and rid that sector of a planetary eye sore."

"Working on the 'two birds with one stone' principle, are we?" Xavier asked. "However, you definitely could not have a repeat performance."

Kill joy, I thought at him then sighed heavily.

"Jon," I began, "I'm putting you in charge of the advertising materials. You have a talent for coming up with reasons to do the unreasonable.

"Xavier, you've got the travel agency. You're good at convincing people to do whatever it is you put your mind to."

"Personally, I think this is a rather easy challenge," I commented.

"How do you figure?" Jon asked, skeptically raising an eye brow.

"Look at your planet, Jon," I began. "Someone has convinced people to enjoy taking vacations to places like Mexico and Louisiana! It's not going to be that far a stretch to convince those same people to travel to Dagobah.

"It's definitely a wild place," Xavier said.

"No," I contradicted, "It's unspoiled."

"So what would you call a place where you have to carry a blaster to fend off the local fauna?" Jon asked.

"That," I suggested, "is an adventure."

"I think I know where you're taking this," Jon sat forward in his chair. "We definitely need to make it sound so much more exciting..." he trailed off in thought.

"Oh, that's it Jon!" I exclaimed:

Experience Adventure. Experience Excitement.
Experience Dagobah.

They both nodded.

"Now, if we could only work into some sort of hunting safari, it would be perfect," I commented. "But, honestly: how does one mount a 30-foot swamp monster?"

"Who cares," Xavier said. "I've met some of those big game hunter types who would give up their eye teeth just to have the bragging rights."

"Perhaps you could come up with a few packages based upon that theme?" I said to Xavier. "Just use your imagination."

"We could probably recruit some of those adventurers to get more press for Dagobah," Jon added. "I'm pretty sure I can wrangle some celebrity endorsements as well."

"Perfect," I said. Pacing round the room, I thought some more. "Maybe we could even arrange some sort of celebrity hunt to get rid of those useless celebrities on your planet that people love to hate. You know, someone like Paris Hilton, or...who is that couple with all the kids that are on TV?"

"Heidi and Spencer?" Jon guessed.

"Yes, that's them," I said. "We could release people like those three into the swamp and people with guns can go hunt them. No experience required -- it would be open to everyone, not just those with hunting skills!"

"Ahem," Xavier started, "The authorities might take issue with that."

"What authorities?" I responded. "This is Dagobah we're talking about. Once they are smuggled off your planet, there won't be any problem at all."

"Right," Xavier said. "I'll have to see just how well that type of, er, vacation package would be received. I'll also look into frequent fly miles available for any type of travel to Dagobah."

"Good idea," I answered. "Who knows, they might be able to accumulate enough to get a free dinner at Jack in the Box or something."

"One last thing...maybe we could get a YouTube video channel and create a few viral videos. Even Vader knew the value of such things:

"Nice," Jon retorted.

"Oh, I haven't even gotten started," I said as we walked down the hall, "You know, we can even import indigents who will practice slash and burn in the rain forests, and then development companies can come in after the land is no longer good for farming and set up casinos ... they'll create a 'Las Vegas of the Outer Rim'...."


  1. adventure? excitement? these things break nails.

  2. Nepharia, I think an exception for Young Hilton and Jon and Kate, the authorities on Dagobah might make.

    By the way, Professor Xavier, install a Big Brainy Blocker in your travel agency, to keep you from using your mind tricks on tourists, we will.

    What? That let you get by that easily, we would, did you think?

  3. Yoda, you forget, the travel agency is going to be on Earth -- you don't have any pull here. Mwuahahahahaha

  4. Nepharia,

    Take your comment into account I will when the winning team I pick... MWUAHAHAHAHAHAH... *cough* *cough* *choke* ... Muahah

  5. Nepharia...sorry about that. I didn't take the time to watch the video when I read your post. I pulled mine. It was after the deadline, but I didn't want to step on your toes. My bad, asleep at the computer again!