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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Third Boardroom

"Send them in," I commanded through the intercom.

Gyrobo entered first, followed by his two picks for the boardroom: Captain Koma and Henchman432. The three took their seats.

"Well, guys," I began, "why did you lose?"

"Ciera," said Koma.

Henchman grunted, "Koma."

"√úberdale!" shouted Gyrobo.

"Like," Claire interjected, "I thought Brad Pitt was so totally hot, but he wasn't a good choice, like, at all."

"Yes," I agreed. "You picked a lame kidnapee, and the ransom demand was only mildly more creative than Team One's. You could have kidnapped Joan Rivers and ransomed her back to her doctors for the secret of immortality. But Brad Pitt?"

"Don't look at me," Koma spoke up. "I was all about Michael Jackson."

"Now, I did like the teamwork this time around. The organization was good. It was structured. There was intrigue and even an overall plot. Thanks mostly to Gyrobo. But the elements making up that plot were where your team was weak. Koma and Henchy, you two both dropped the ball there."

"Hey," Henchman replied, "I got the guy, right?"

"You did," I answered, "but all you did was show up, pistol-whip the guy and throw him in a van."

"Well, what else did ya want? Should I have bought him some ice cream?" asked Henchman.

"Wolverine fought ninja brats," The Haitian added.

"Looking back at past performances, though, things have been similar. Your no nonsense, straightforward approach is fine, if this were a Taco Bell. Take my order and hand over the burrito. But we're looking for people who can think outside the bun, who are quick on their feet, who can deal with any situation, who do more than simple pistol-whipping and keggar-killing."

I moved on to Koma. "And then there's you," I said. "In the past, you've been the exact opposite of Henchman. Perhaps even taking too much risk without the payoff. This week, though, you joined him in serving up a platter of bland penguinless food. The picture of Brad Pitt was a good touch, though. Henchman missed an opportunity there, but you didn't."

"Don't forget the neural destabilizer," Koma tossed in.

"Oh, I'm not," I assured him. "Gyrobo, you handled being lost in time well. I always hate dying in alternate timelines, so I'm glad you ultimately remedied that. If I do ever die, it should be a bullet through the glasses, not crushed by nondescript waste. Not only did you manage to deal with a trickster genie, but you also managed to continue your Body Parts of Artemis side quest. You've done consistently well, and I'd like to know who you think I should fire? Koma? Henchy? Or maybe you since you were The Boss and your team lost? If you were me, who would you fire?"

We all waited eagerly for his response. This was indeed a close one, and it will probably be up to what's said here in the boardroom.


  1. I say fire both Hency and Koma. Makes perfet sense to me.

  2. shut up you lush.

    here have a burbon and dounuts.

  3. I've been framed! Fire Gyrobo!

    He consorts with carrots!

  4. If I were you I'd fire me, only because I hate myself.

    Actually, I believe this explains my view on who should be fired.

  5. After decades of genie-related meditation, I've come to the conclusion that the one person responsible for this abysmal loss is... Henchy.

    Yellow, the color of bees, is a poison in this hive. Had he been clad in blue or tangerine, he would have seen that pistol-whipping Brad Pitt could have given him tendinitis, hurting our chances next week.

  6. A valid point, Gyrobo. The risks of tendinitis are often overlooked, until it is too late.

  7. The right thing to do in this case is to fire the whole of Victorious Secret, since really, it's all their fault for losing. Then you can declare Team One the winners of the show and give us our prize, whatever that is. I'm not sure I've heard it, actually.

  8. X- by that logic he should have fired your team round one...or fired us all when we tied and started over with a new batch.

    Koma: you're just angry because I reprogrammed your Megan Fox synthoid to run away crying whenever you get near her.